


This Feeling

by djarinscyare



Category: Supernatural
Genre: A lot of cas figuring out who he is, A lot of cas introsoection, Angst, Anyways im tagging too much, But not canon compliant bc i refuse to give this a set timestamp., Canon verse, Cas character study, Character Study, Feelings, Introspection, M/M, This is mostly just a lot if cas feels, but like, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:22:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25363072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/djarinscyare/pseuds/djarinscyare
Summary: This was adrenaline. A hormone secreted during situations of stress. It was common, when facing demons or other monsters, but moments before talking to Dean? That was not a situation which called for the fight it flight response. This wasn't life or death.This was just Dean.Aka: an angsty study in cas that I wrote for my best friend!! Lots of cas feelings. Like. LOTS.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 9
Kudos: 12





	This Feeling

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thelazyhero_ttums](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelazyhero_ttums/gifts).



> I had so much fun writing this, ive been wanting to do a canon verse cas character study for SO LONG and this gave me an excuse :))) my friend wanted me to write something for him as my 69th work 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!!

Cas sat in the bunker's small kitchen, eyes tracing over the wood grain of the table. His heart was racing, something he never had to deal with when he had his grace. There were so many new things he was experiencing, human things. Like eating, for instance. He never had to eat when he still had his grace. Now, if he didn't eat multiple times daily his vessel would do funny things like shake or ache behind his eyes. 

_ Body, _ he reminded himself.  _ Not vessel, body. _

It felt strange, being connected to the hollow form he had always inhabited. Before, it was just a vessel. Now it was a body,  _ his _ body, that he had to keep alive. He had to keep himself alive. 

His heart pounded in his chest, and his extremeties shook a little as he watched Dean walk past him, grabbing a beer from the fridge. It was all still a mystery, why this body reacted the way it did to certain things. 

This was adrenaline. A hormone secreted during situations of stress. It was common, when facing demons or other monsters, but moments before talking to Dean? That was not a situation which called for the fight it flight response. This wasn't life or death. 

This was just Dean. 

_ Dean. _

Brave and strong, and reckless. A man who would do anything to save his family. A man who cared for others, not only his family, but strangers in need of help. A man who was trying  _ so hard, _ to undo years of bad. A man with a beautiful soul, which Cas had seen and touched and held.

Dean was a friend, the closest friend he had. Dean had a smile like summer, like the morning sun rising over the mountains, washing away the dark ice of the night. His eyes held so much passion, so much fire, like lightning storms over the sea. 

He was beautiful. Ethereal. Wonderful. And he made Cas feel things, reactions he had never dealt with before. All these new emotions that he wasn't sure how to deal with. He had to learn, learn his own mind and heart all over again. 

In learning himself, he found just how much he wanted to learn Dean in the same way. 

And so, as embarassing as the ordeal was, he talked about it. He went to Sam, and spent hours trying to understand what it was that he felt. Late one night when they were knocking back beers in the library, Sam looked him in the eyes. 

"It's love, Cas. You love him."

He loved Dean. 

Then, of course, he had to sort out what kind of love he felt, because love came in many forms. He loved Sam, too, but that was the love shared between brothers. That wasn't what he felt for Dean. What he felt for Dean, the  _ love _ he felt for Dean, it was different, special. And he had to do something about it. 

"Dean," he said, calling out before Dean could leave the room. 

"Yeah?" He turned around, gaze brushing over Cas once before landing on his eyes. 

Cas took a breath, and there it was again, that adrenaline, and it finally hit him. He was  _ scared. _ He was terrified of all he could lose if this went wrong, afraid of the outcome. Scared of being alone. Again. And yet he said it. 

"Dean I love you."

Silence. Utter silence, quieter than the aftermath of all of heaven's battles, when the angels had fought and killed and were frozen in shock, the air still and smelling of ozone. It was deadly quiet, worse than the empty expanse of his dreams at night. Worse than nights in the desert when the wind died down, when all that was left was stars and the sand and the  _ quiet. _

And then Dean spoke. 

"Cas I don't know what to say."

**Author's Note:**

> So... Yeah my friend said he wanted angst that ended like this, and i provided!
> 
> A comment would make my day!! I really liked writing it, even tho I dont like angst


End file.
